up at 4a.m. just done with clearing up some stuff. not sure if the blur is tiredness or reluctance, the last bid to hold on. don’t know what the new 2mths will be like. maybe full of excitement and something i would like. i know i can’t stay not only bcoz it’s full strength but i have been gasping for air and have started to feel dum, the unnatural fit taking its toil. yet for now.. i am afraid and reluctant. can i not go in tomorrow? logically it’s fine, maybe even the best it has been.
yet i am being irrational about it all. worried about the work, dynamics and friendships.
dear God, if being real is to be silly at this point and not know what i want, i’m there now and need You to lead me, walk me through and walk with me. i don’t want what i desire, regardless of what i feel bcoz i know it won’t satisfy, i want all that You desire and have planned for my life bcoz i trust You without exception.
yet i am being irrational about it all. worried about the work, dynamics and friendships.
Abba, can i not sleep the last 2 hours but stay in this moment of all the wonderful things and friendships i have found in these 3 mths so things don’t have a chance to change?
i am being irrational about it all. worried about the work, dynamics and friendships.
Cheryl's "made-in-Japan" scrump her lao gong lovingly bought for her
I will be in stitches in a couple of hours when Cheryl’s name changes to “Scrump Too” on facebook. That girl is hilarious and has taught me much about generosity of heart towards the ones we love. Perhaps we have taught each other in our crazy weeks of stress and excess! We now behave like we are the richest people on planet earth, with no regard for spending money on food for friends. Today someone asked to borrow $2 (coz her wallet was upstairs) and we asked if she wanted more. When she asked for $2 more, it was heartily given. It felt good that she asked, like we were her friends and would surely provide for her.
Some days the world feels like kindi where we share our food and help one another. I wished though that I had been better at controlling my temper and kinder in my thoughts, words and actions. Lord, I am sorry for the things I did not do out of love today, pls forgive me and help me to love better tomorrow.
Niece No. 1 pushed open my room door today and came in to look for me. The last time she came over, there were no complaints. She caught me by surprise today when her first words were “Why your room so messy?” So I asked if she wanted to record her words. Being so used to her Papa recording her she said “yes”, and we cut the track. Haha.
Her other new line is “姑姑, you want to come?” Sweetness only. “Maybe next time”, I say. I should really try to make it next time or miss more of their sweet growing up bits :(.
A day off from work and I’m supposed to be heading off somewhere but bcoz no. 2 niece showered my stuffed panda yesterday with lots of tender loving saliva (not that I mind :), I am waiting for Panda to come out of the dryer.
Realised how much I miss writing. Painting the world with words has always been therapeutic for me. No matter how I start, it usually ends with a positive spin. And if the spin doesn’t happen, I could always start over from a different angle. 2nd drafts are softer.
Sometimes it’s lovely to tell stories instead of feelings, bcoz stories airbrush the harsh edges of personal feelings/ injuries and paint it as it is (richly encased in context with overlapping perspectives), not how it feels. A reminder for my volatility lately.
Well, time to head out for the day’s adventure. Little India, Henderson Waves and Queensway Shopping Centre. Hm..
