4 IP

The other reason I like 4 is because of IP. He was 4 when I lived with his family for 5 months in Bangkok. I think IP was an adult at 4 too. He seemed to recognise me. Haha.

On the 2nd day I arrived, IP came up to my room with a stick of liquorice. Apparently he’d asked, “Can I have one for my new friend?” Friend? I was 21 years older than him, he could have been my kid!

Through spending time with him, I re-lived 4. The terribles and the goods. And maybe even recovered a little, forgave myself for peeing in a puddle and being needy, found that 4 was a time to be bold (like IP was), but also to need (like he did).

4 is looking out for friends and helping them to overcome their fears. 4 is throwing a tantrum and recovering when the older brothers say big boys don’t cry. 4 is being lifted by 15 and waving proudly from the roof of a parked bus. 4 is blading to the store with 10 and 25 to get stuff for the family. 4 is being carried by 25 when sorrow is too heavy (for even a brave little one) to bear. 4 is crazy trust and giant disappointments..

It isn’t always easy to raise (or be) 4 but it’s worth the while. IP will always be one of my favourite reasons for liking 4.

4 Freedom

I liked being 4. It was the age I woke up to the world and became an adult. 4 years and 3 days I think. The 1st day to kindergarten. I remember asking my parents something in the car. Possibly why I had to go to school.

It wasn’t the happiest year of my life. I was terrified of the teacher, peed in a puddle while lining up coz I was too scared to ask for permission to go to the toilet, didn’t get to ride the school tricycles even though I wanted to, didn’t quite know how to make friends… but there were the songs we sang in kindi hall, the ones that said God loved children and Jesus loved ME. The relationship that started in that year that has never left.

4 is the age I got to choose to love God because He loved me. Not because I had to but because I chose to. As we get older, we gain wisdom to make better decisions but the same principle holds: that we cannot truly love unless we have the freedom not to.

Taken from a different perspective, 4 might have been a difficult year for my parents since I no longer obeyed just because they said so. But, “if you don’t learn how to play the organ, we won’t take you out on Sundays”, still worked. I suppose at least I had a choice. 4yo resignation is one of the funniest things. Lol. (Looking back, I am glad for the lessons I was ‘forced’ to choose to take.)

4 was also a year reason appealed. When my brother and I got caught up buying tikam-tikam from a flat-shop downstairs of the nanny’s, she’d said “no” to our request to borrow money to buy more useless surprises. In no uncertain terms. She reasoned with us, told us how ugly our pulled faces were, told us to go think about it and simply allowed us to sulk it out till reason sank in. It worked. (I might have been older, bet 4-6.)

4 was the year I chubbied up and looked like my nanny. (We look like the ones we gaze upon huh?) My mother didn’t think it was such a hot look :). Though the older I get, the less I mind these transient outward markings. The ‘look like auntie’ phase serves to remind me of who she was/is. For even today, parts of her common sense, resilience, creativity and authenticity.. are imprinted on who I am and have helped me survive.

No, come to think of it, 4 wasn’t such a good year. But it had great makings :). And I still like 4.

Gosh, my mother had good taste in clothes.

Grandmother’s Bowls

Going down in a bit to my grandmother’s to help her sort out my late grandfather’s clothes. To give to the temple, I think she said. Don’t know how that will go down with the emotions even though I wasn’t close to the grandfather. Death still feels really strange.

We had dinner yesterday and it was one of those days my terrible Hokkien was at its worst. At times like that, I feel bad not to be able to bridge the gap, to allow Grandmother (who has always loved company) who feels afraid of growing old and moving out of the house she has lived in since 1966, some comfort in easy conversation. Thank God for the sociable sister-in-law who is used to having extended family close by :).

Grandmother is giving away stuff she can’t take with her. I brought back some ordinary “Made in China” white-pink bowls that we’ve drunk soup out of since we were children on Sunday gatherings. It was from these dinners that I developed my love for Chinese soups. And 2 turquoise-white bowls/pots with motifs distinct of a time.

My memories are of happy times – pounding leaves playing medicine shop and carrying lanterns in the garden – with the brother and cousins. I don’t think any of us can imagine how hard it must be for grandmother leaving the house with all its bittersweet memories. Her home for so many years..

Runaway Space

Found a forgotten email address and an anonymous blog started last year. Guess we all need raw space..

Be Near

The thing about living in a no-time zone is how scary it feels when time slips by. Yesterday, I’d wondered if I had lost an entire week without realizing it.

Thank God for blogs! I haven’t lost a week, I met M & K this Tues not last Fri. Perhaps it’s coz my heart has been full of the ex-colleagues this week that I lost track: the ones I met, the ones I heard about, and the ones I have always been close to.

The ones I heard about were so much on my heart (esp since I do not keep in touch) that I had to text them. I realised how much it means to me, even for people who will never be my closest friends, to know that they are doing ok. My heart feels/wishes/prays with so much strength that it tires and 3 or 4 people is all I can hold at one time.

I think sometimes people need to be asked how they are doing. They need to feel that their honest to heart feelings/thoughts/voice (who they are) matters. For so much of the time they are giving and living up to someone else’s demands and expectations.

There are many things I cannot do in daily life, even the simplest things. And in a lot of ways, more than many others I know, I will never live up to anyone’s expectations. But I think, I can for that moment, be near… and maybe that’s what I need to keep doing…

I’ve been thinking and thinking about going back. If I were to take in all those “Come back lah”s, I would cry :(. Yet for all the good reasons out there, I can only think of one ridiculous one: I love the people.

But is that enough reason to go back and one that will help me overcome my phobias, for one last season?

Listening to Shane and Shane’s “Be Near” (lyrics). It was so apt, I had to change the post title.

A lot of things I learn about life, I learn from my relationship with God. How near He is to us always and our deep desire for Him to be, and to be near to Him.

For KK YK MI KL LP and BS (Long Overdue)

Recently, a friend commented that rest had been good for me, I suppose coz I was more chatty again. I am so focused on the things in front of me that if at work, my life (and my blog) will be all about it! So here I am finally out of it and then I get a phonecall today from an ex-colleague M…

M: Can we come visit you now?
Me: What? Why? Who are ‘we’? Aren’t you still at work (of course I’d forgotten work ends at 6pm.)
M: Eh, me and KK coz he’s going to Rail Mall to meet someone.
Me: How about I meet you guys at Rail Mall?
M: Ok, we didn’t really mean to visit you literally.
Me: *relief* (coz I’m a slob and need a day’s notice to clean up!)

So I’m back writing an entry about work! Horrors. (Joking.)

Because I live in a no-time zone, I don’t feel the distance or time go by. It’s as if they are present with me all the time. KK asked if I had met up with Yeeevon recently. Yep, we had dinner at a Jap restaurant at Rail Mall that had spoons for lights, where she (thank-u, thank-u, thank-u) gave me a belated birthday treat. Lookee…

So today we went to “EAT” noodles. M had $5 and I had $6 and we were laughing about it. (We used to laugh all the time about how much money was in our wallets. :) It was a joke and nobody thought we were “poor thing” enough to treat us except tender-hearted KK (thank-u, thank-u, thank-u). To pay him back, we laughed at him when he did something unintentionally funny (to which, we got retribution later in the night when we sat at the wrong bus-stop and 2 buses whizzed by despite our comic frantic flagging).

I wish I had taken shots of KK and M. Instead, I had taken shots of flowers en route to Rail Mall to meet them…

Although I am full of nonsense, these aren’t nonsensical shots! I realised while walking there that… I like the ex-colleagues. I like who they are. I like our friendship, our conversations, even our quarrels with heartfelt apologies. I like that we still keep in touch 2mths out. I like that it’s really not that awkward meeting up. I thought that even though we’re not “stuck-at-the-hip” friends, we can talk honestly about many things with little judgment. These are people I trust and will stand by, who look outside themselves often.

And so, this entry is for Yeeevon, Michelle and Kayne (and also Kenneth, who thank-u, thank-u, thank-u treated Kayne and me to ‘Harry’s’ for my leaving and our common birthday.) And Leslie! (who was a part of us in the beginning and who I missed when Kayne texted me recently to re-read my blog.) And Boon Sze who is such a giver in every way that I wish she will be given much back (who treated me to ‘The Manhattan Fish Market’, thank-u, thank-u, thank-u).

Far too many treats! Michelle too (Fuji Apple, breakfast beehoon, birthday brownie and a lot of other stuff just coz I like. Thank-u, thank-u, thank-u). Treats are really fun between friends. But above all, the treat of sincere and loyal friendships, good company and sound character. Not joking. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I don’t know about going back. Things seem good without me now, everyone having lunch together, which makes me happy. I am almost scared that the dynamics may change or people feel obliged to re-include me (which they shouldn’t) or I feel outcast if they didn’t. And I am afraid I would not do well at tasks. Though mostly, I just need to hear from God and these things shall be small peas and whines – which you all will have to bear with if I do go back. *wicked laughter*

Kayne offered to give my seat back (like it’s his decision). *Teasing* But I like him taking over my scenery and sitting at a right angle to my 2 closest ex-office buds (H & M), he’s really good there. And from what I’ve heard, everyone in Trng thinks so too. Nothing of my heart has changed but I don’t expect or need things to stay the same. Thank you though :). 2 stars for KK.

Why I might want to go back would be that I miss people and the whole set-up and want to spend just a bit more time with them, esp. since some of the old buddies have gone over and it has felt a little more complete. Yet at the same time, I can’t really imagine going back. o_O

But back or not, this is a tribute to friends who I wish I had written more about in my blog: To y’all with like (because love is a given and like is not). And you should believe me coz I’ve stayed up till 5:58am to write/edit this!

***11.07am – Thank God for caches so I didn’t have to re-write too much of what I lost in one of my earlier edits. Off to bed!

Addicted to Cloud Computing

Logging in from “Jolicloud” on my netbook. Had to try the “super-optimized Linux” operating system designed for netbooks. Was hoping to extend battery life but it’s almost the same on cloud and windows. Still, it’s a whole new experience. Downloading of apps is a cinch and you get introduced to so many interesting sites all at once. I found “Writer“, a no-frills internet typewriter (bright green font on a black background) to be quite conducive for writing. This is what I started there:

Once upon a time in Manunu, there lived a girl called Tudo. She was half the size of a normal child and so they gave her the nickname, “fairy’s child”. No one quite knew where she had come from, only that a young couple, Mr. and Mrs. Roddy Mach, had found her at their doorstep one morning snuggly wrapped, with nothing more than a piece of paper with the word “TUDO” on it. Since no one had come to claim her, they had just continued to take care of her.

In those days when food was scarce, it was not unimaginable that someone would give up their child, with the hope that they would have a better life. And those who had enough did not mind taking care of another child. Nor did the community at large take great offense to such matters, for they believed a child is a child, no matter whose child he/she is. And so Tudo did not feel different or less despite of her mysterious origins and small stature.

And no, I didn’t expect to start writing a story. The “Writer” be with you. Lol.

**23/2/2010 – I made up the names but when I googled them, Manunu is an actual place in Samoa. And apparently, Tudo means Everything (in Brazilian Portugese), Tudo bem? literally means Everything well?, and Tudo Azul means Everything is blue – “an old Brazilian expression meaning ‘all is well‘”. Backward research. Hehe. No such thing as originality anymore, the things we pull from our heads! Got to get use to that.

O Kae

Haven’t posted a pic of No. 2 niece yet. Sweet angel Kae fast asleep on the 2nd day of the Chinese New Year at 2 months old. Lots of no. 2’s!

God bless you lil one, with a 2x portion of His wisdom, kindness and compassion, as you grow up beloved in Him, all of your days.

Of Regret, Language and Culture

Up till a year ago, I would have thought that being friends with someone from a different race was no different than forming any other friendship.

A year later, I think that it isn’t easy to get into the inner-circle of a friend from another race. Some obstacles pre-exist in our living spaces and are hard to get past.

It never bothered me much until I made a friend of a different race whose person I really liked. Then I started to see things I didn’t see before, from a perspective I didn’t have access to before.

And I’ve started to ask questions like:

1. Why were our mother tongues (and cultural identities) not more strongly encouraged/taught in school.
2. Why were local languages not offered/promoted as a 3rd language.
3. Why was not more done to immerse and integrate the different races.

Knowing what I know now, during those precious school years, I would have taken greater pride in my mother tongue and culture, and been more interested in the languages and cultures of other SG races.

Not too late I guess. There is a Chinese saying that goes 活到老，学到老 (We never stop learning.)

*****

Fri, 12th Feb – I woke up this morning and realised that I’d forgotten one crucial matter: religion. That despite my idealism, there are very real barriers that exist.

Some things I’ve realised from my experiences in the past year are:

1. It is very hard to be good friends with someone of another race/religion while remaining in my own.
2. I can learn more and grow in sensitivity in the daily things/practices that I take forgranted.
3. There are times we will defend ‘our own’ (because we know where they are coming from) and esp. our elders (because it is a sign of respect).
4. There are times we (or ‘our own’, even our elders) are wrong and we can feel sad and apologise for the hurt caused.
5. Honesty hurts a lot at first but is the best policy.

And maybe…

Our hearts, minds and humour are not really that far apart, and we can be close in unexpected ways.

Thanks H, very much for being who you are, and for the access and your honesty that has given me greater insight.

Stupid is as stupid does

means that anyone who does a stupid thing is stupid regardless of intelligence/intellect. (Love it.)

Been thinking about the word “stupid” lately. How we keep it far away from children. And perhaps in some ways, it is right and good as even adults fail to use the word wisely. But on the other hand, I also wonder if we have watered-down so many things that humans have become weak and frigid.

Stupid: Defn 2. Tending to make poor decisions or careless mistakes.

Frigid: Defn 5. Unemotional or unimaginative; lacking passion, sympathy, or sensitivity: a correct, but frigid presentation.

(Definitions from Dictionary.com)

There are times I am stupid and do the stupidest things regardless of my IQ, the logic that presents itself or the wise advice of others. At that point, I do not need someone to belittle me by calling me “stupid”, but I may need someone (trustworthy) to tell me straight up that I have been stupid and made a stupid decision.

Are we such ninnies that we need so much protection? Have we become such weaklings that one negative comment can completely destroy our ego, instead of motivating us to excel (or become a better person)?

I fear so sometimes in my own life. But I have seen that I am stronger than that when tested. As we all are, who are of the same race: Human.

If we have no more words strong/capable enough to express our emotions/ideas/ideals, depression (this unknowable, inexplicable sadness) will set in.

So let’s just get back into the ring, be a Human and slug it out, shall we? ;)