“Pain ya? Sorry pain,” she said to me afterwards.

I forget sometimes how painful it is to have fine hairs pulled from your skin with a thin piece of thread :). I didn’t make a sound but I think she saw from my frown and tears that it hurt.

Some people are more compassionate than others, and their reflection and acknowledgment of our pain, whether physical or emotional, helps heal.

Life sometimes hurts. Perhaps it is not weakness to say like I did today, “Ya, pain. Cry.”

But no la, I wasn’t crying *rolls eyes*, just tearing. Makes me wonder though about my constitution. How if I have to be, I will steel myself, but in actuality, how ‘weak’ I really am in my natural state that I feel pain so keenly in my body and emotions. I am not as strong as I appear.

And sometimes I feel relieved when I don’t have to be.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

*****

Me: Otw to Causeway Pt 4d 2nd time 2day. Better not end up at d immigration office again. Wrong bus, 4got wallet adventure this pm. Tired le.

Me: Glad dat of all days I chose to be charming today. Can’t imagine if I wore my fav camouflage non-crease berms! What they might hv thot. :O

Yvonne: who’s they??

Me: I took 170 instead of 178. went to woodlands checkpt instead of mall. had to go to customs office bcoz i had no identification! :O

Yvonne: OH NO!! Its so u to make such a silly mistake! Heehee!! Wad an adventure huh!

Me: i know. it is SO ME to get lost. hahahaha. yups, turned into an adventure. customs asked how i was gg shopping without a wallet :).

*****

A few worries and some laughs today. So blessed by the worried mother, brother and JQ while stuck in the land of the in-bet. And then the laughs! How come the brother and Yvonne say it’s a good experience/ adventure? Wei, worry more can? Surrounded by people of adventure :). Lucky still got the mother and JQ to 担心 (worry)。*grin*

Was in a daze thinking about some things today.. haven’t figured out what has been eating my heart yet, but it was nice to be loved through the adventure of getting lost. Funny.

yet i am being irrational about it all. worried about the work, dynamics and friendships.

dear God, if being real is to be silly at this point and not know what i want, i’m there now and need You to lead me, walk me through and walk with me. i don’t want what i desire, regardless of what i feel bcoz i know it won’t satisfy, i want all that You desire and have planned for my life bcoz i trust You without exception.

yet i am being irrational about it all. worried about the work, dynamics and friendships.

Abba, can i not sleep the last 2 hours but stay in this moment of all the wonderful things and friendships i have found in these 3 mths so things don’t have a chance to change?

i am being irrational about it all. worried about the work, dynamics and friendships.

Realised how much I miss writing. Painting the world with words has always been therapeutic for me. No matter how I start, it usually ends with a positive spin. And if the spin doesn’t happen, I could always start over from a different angle. 2nd drafts are softer.

Sometimes it’s lovely to tell stories instead of feelings, bcoz stories airbrush the harsh edges of personal feelings/ injuries and paint it as it is (richly encased in context with overlapping perspectives), not how it feels. A reminder for my volatility lately.

Well, time to head out for the day’s adventure. Little India, Henderson Waves and Queensway Shopping Centre. Hm..

I like change but every time it takes its toll. I guess the difference right now is that I’m not bored yet and have just gotten used to working relationships. What’s the same is that I’m still scared of things I have no idea I have skillsets for. And yet it has been a discovery of skills I never knew I had. Full of surprises :).

I wish I knew what is best. But I guess the stress/grief comes from having forgotten that my tomorrow is important to God and He is in the business of making it happen. Sometimes effectiveness has a way of tricking us into taking control of our own lives apart from God.

I think the Bible has a different effect when we know His heart of deepest love for us.. otherwise, the verses seem somewhat callous/dictatorial, which our Abba in Heaven is not..

Proverbs 16:1-3 (The Message) – Mortals make elaborate plans, but God has the last word. 2 Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good; God probes for what is good. 3 Put God in charge of your work, then what you’ve planned will take place.

Proverbs 16:10-13 (The Message) – A good leader motivates,
doesn’t mislead, doesn’t exploit. 11 God cares about honesty in the workplace; your business is his business. 12 Good leaders abhor wrongdoing of all kinds; sound leadership has a moral foundation. 13 Good leaders cultivate honest speech; they love advisors who tell them the truth.

He loves us, O how He loves us.. It’s not that our emotions aren’t important or deeply considered but we cannot make good decisions based on what we feel.

I guess maybe I am ready to move on. Or am I? Sigh. I love life.

Their great defenses guards the softest of hearts. If only they understood their great strength.. And that to love is to be loved.. Love’s nature is not restraint but passion.. Love lends itself to deep hurt because it believes not in perfection through works but wholeness through the thick and thin of relationship.. We will always fail one another and not just once.. Love is letting that happen for the better of both.. Love risks because it is after intimacy not perfection or admiration.. Intimacy is possible. We have to fail to understand grace. We need to receive grace in order to understand love. Without grace love is impossible. Failure is important. It is the starting point of intimacy.. I don’t want to be perfect if I cannot love or be loved, there is no meaning to this life without intimacy.. But because of grace, I want to and have a deep source through intimacy to walk towards perfection so I don’t keep failing the ones who love me.. who i love..

The good-natured nurse tells us stories of a tongueless ghost (why tongueless I dunno but less noise disturbance in the night is good) from the old TP hospital and her late grandma not giving her winning 4 digits when I suggested talking to the tongueless. Ghoully goodies that helped get us through the boring administrative pack of estimated costs and admission do’s and don’ts etc.

Even those not involved in the main conversation joined in the kidding and laughter, one building on the other. And patients’ relatives were nice. What was it? Musical day? Haha.

My father said that if patients can accept and talk about their conditions, those around them don’t have to feel like they are walking on eggshells..

The day’s experience left me thinking that Drs and nurses/admin staff still care about their patients in a personable way despite being somewhat over-strained: “our biggest problem is no beds!” (Whoa, so many sick! Maybe we should start a sick-club to make the hospital experience a happier one ;).

TY sweet staff of TTSH and gorgeous peeps of SG. Rock on together OK?

Probably not when I was 6 months and 2. Sounded scary. But since I was 5, almost 6. Going to the hospital has, for the most part, been an adventure. It’s like, something scary unites us, causes us to care and be more real because of a possibility of loss, makes us treasure those we love, and want to enjoy the time we have..

I’m glad that my dad takes these things in his stride. It’s not that we don’t know the pain cancer causes someone. We’ve seen, loved and lost. But when something happens, we have to face up to it, decide how to act on it and trust, and not make it worse by thinking the worst..

I guess.. you learn new things, get to talk to new people, get to say you have a new experience, get to be grateful when you come out of it, treasure those who stick by you, understand those who suffer, appreciate those who make a difference everyday by saving/healing lives.. and maybe are just thankful to God for a beautiful life..

I remember accompanying a language school friend to the hospital in Bangkok to check if she had a brain tumour. We laughed and joked while waiting and it was only afterwards that she told us how afraid she had been because of a family history. We were all foreigners with a month of language under our belt. Away from everything familiar but coming together coz we couldn’t let our friend go by herself. In that moment, in that bubble, there was a certain solidarity, something irreplaceable.. something moving about love and friendship across barriers. These are the moments I treasure more than life itself..

If we die, we die. But if we live, let us love and be a part of something bigger than ourselves. For the short or long time we are here on this blessed earth, let us love freely and allow ourselves to be loved.

Yes, we get sad. We think of sad things when we are alone. And there are times we will be sad together. That sad together is precious too.. together is precious. But while we have breath and can still laugh about life, let’s do that. The world needs a little laughter..

(Sidetrack: Sigh. I love Thailand. Really pray for their political stability in this time.)

So NOT editing this for once. hmfph!

*****
Updated 11:15 a.m. – Aiyah, couldn’t resist 2 minor rounds of sp/grammar correction. ;)

Met up with different people over the weekend, Michelle and Kayne to watch “Clash of the Titans”, Manuela to catch up over coffee, and the only brother and family to celebrate his birthday. It feels like my worlds are converging..

I’m even getting used to being an aunt. Last Sunday was the 1st time I witnessed Rae-Ann throw a “terrible two” fit. The kicking and screaming and not wanting anyone. But poor child, tired as she was after a swim, her baby sister’s cries woke her up to having to be on the move again..

I love her rawness and honesty: how she is her own person. And being kind to her when she throws a tantrum: how her feelings matter. Because it is hard for a 2 year old to express herself to adults who don’t listen too well..

I think I like the “terrible twos” and the rawness and honesty of “adults too”. And learning that when a 2yo is sad, she can still count the no. of trees: “Two”.