yet i am being irrational about it all. worried about the work, dynamics and friendships.

dear God, if being real is to be silly at this point and not know what i want, i’m there now and need You to lead me, walk me through and walk with me. i don’t want what i desire, regardless of what i feel bcoz i know it won’t satisfy, i want all that You desire and have planned for my life bcoz i trust You without exception.

yet i am being irrational about it all. worried about the work, dynamics and friendships.

Abba, can i not sleep the last 2 hours but stay in this moment of all the wonderful things and friendships i have found in these 3 mths so things don’t have a chance to change?

i am being irrational about it all. worried about the work, dynamics and friendships.

Cheryl's "made-in-Japan" scrump her lao gong lovingly bought for her

I will be in stitches in a couple of hours when Cheryl’s name changes to “Scrump Too” on facebook. That girl is hilarious and has taught me much about generosity of heart towards the ones we love. Perhaps we have taught each other in our crazy weeks of stress and excess! We now behave like we are the richest people on planet earth, with no regard for spending money on food for friends. Today someone asked to borrow $2 (coz her wallet was upstairs) and we asked if she wanted more. When she asked for $2 more, it was heartily given. It felt good that she asked, like we were her friends and would surely provide for her.

Some days the world feels like kindi where we share our food and help one another. I wished though that I had been better at controlling my temper and kinder in my thoughts, words and actions. Lord, I am sorry for the things I did not do out of love today, pls forgive me and help me to love better tomorrow.

Realised how much I miss writing. Painting the world with words has always been therapeutic for me. No matter how I start, it usually ends with a positive spin. And if the spin doesn’t happen, I could always start over from a different angle. 2nd drafts are softer.

Sometimes it’s lovely to tell stories instead of feelings, bcoz stories airbrush the harsh edges of personal feelings/ injuries and paint it as it is (richly encased in context with overlapping perspectives), not how it feels. A reminder for my volatility lately.

Well, time to head out for the day’s adventure. Little India, Henderson Waves and Queensway Shopping Centre. Hm..

Up since 3am figuring something out. I wonder if the decision was already made in a previous entry.

So blessed, so blessed. Wasn’t expecting from where the blessings would come from but sometimes life takes you on unexpected paths..

Home is where love is and honesty dwells. A place of refuge and a very great joy is the heart of a friend :).

“Tired. Tired, tired, tired, tired. Tired. Borrow d stuffed turtle pls?”

A while later, I feel something soft on my shoulder. Turtle. And Kiwi (with nature sounds.)  Hahahaha. Friends at work. Blessed.

Masseuse: You speak Bahasa?
Me: No, but you can try.

Masseuse: If join member $150, facial free and t…
Me: Free facial?
Masseuse: Yes and t….
Me: Oh, tummytuck free also.
Massuese: Yes.
Me: But I don’t need tummytuck.
*we holler*

She tries again
Masseuse: If member ..$40.
Me: How much if not member?
Masseuse: Dua empat (she puts out 2 and 4 fingers together.)
Me: $24? But you said member $40? (great logic.)
*we repeat hollering*

Masseuse: … reception …
Me: Ok, I’ll check with reception later :).

She helps me: Saya tak boleh cakap Melayu (translated: I can’t speak Malay.) But I’m not sure it mattered.

Between my almost “52h lecture + some online learn-it-yourself” Malay and her “key-words” English, we had a laughing good time.

So glad they didn’t have a chair available for foot reflexology so I got to climb upstairs and sleep on the bed. Very relaxing with the water sounds, repetitive music and strong herbal aroma. Made me think of Bali and the open-air toilets, and Nepal where goats roamed the mountains and almost butted us off a steep embankment.. :)

I like change but every time it takes its toll. I guess the difference right now is that I’m not bored yet and have just gotten used to working relationships. What’s the same is that I’m still scared of things I have no idea I have skillsets for. And yet it has been a discovery of skills I never knew I had. Full of surprises :).

I wish I knew what is best. But I guess the stress/grief comes from having forgotten that my tomorrow is important to God and He is in the business of making it happen. Sometimes effectiveness has a way of tricking us into taking control of our own lives apart from God.

I think the Bible has a different effect when we know His heart of deepest love for us.. otherwise, the verses seem somewhat callous/dictatorial, which our Abba in Heaven is not..

Proverbs 16:1-3 (The Message) – Mortals make elaborate plans, but God has the last word. 2 Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good; God probes for what is good. 3 Put God in charge of your work, then what you’ve planned will take place.

Proverbs 16:10-13 (The Message) - A good leader motivates,
doesn’t mislead, doesn’t exploit. 11 God cares about honesty in the workplace; your business is his business.  12 Good leaders abhor wrongdoing of all kinds; sound leadership has a moral foundation. 13 Good leaders cultivate honest speech; they love advisors who tell them the truth.

He loves us, O how He loves us.. It’s not that our emotions aren’t important or deeply considered but we cannot make good decisions based on what we feel.

I guess maybe I am ready to move on. Or am I? Sigh. I love life.