Why is it so hard for some to believe in goodness? Issit coz letting in goodness will make them too vulnerable? I physically react to negativity. I get angry. Very angry. I think, “the whole wide world doesn’t have time to give you a hard time all the time. Get off your whiny butt and for once love someone else, give to someone else regardless of how it benefits you coz if you don’t, you will never find a joy multiplied. You will never find the love you are searching for coz intimacy cannot penetrate an armour, it’s nature is freedom..” Yet it strikes me now that it’s not that such people don’t love (they do) but that they are not able to admit to/reveal love or be loved because their world will come crashing down if they do. And maybe I was like that in the past..!
Their great defenses guards the softest of hearts. If only they understood their great strength.. And that to love is to be loved.. Love’s nature is not restraint but passion.. Love lends itself to deep hurt because it believes not in perfection through works but wholeness through the thick and thin of relationship.. We will always fail one another and not just once.. Love is letting that happen for the better of both.. Love risks because it is after intimacy not perfection or admiration.. Intimacy is possible. We have to fail to understand grace. We need to receive grace in order to understand love. Without grace love is impossible. Failure is important. It is the starting point of intimacy.. I don’t want to be perfect if I cannot love or be loved, there is no meaning to this life without intimacy.. But because of grace, I want to and have a deep source through intimacy to walk towards perfection so I don’t keep failing the ones who love me.. who i love..
One of my fav things of this wk is LJ translating “Sepasang Kurung Biru” for me. A song that speaks of missing family at Hari Raya. So jealous of the deep affections my Malay friends have for family and how tightly-knit their community is.. :)
Thanks H for ‘spoiling’ my heart forever and LJ for inviting me in to see/feel as you do..
Sepasang Kurung Biru
by S Khairil Johari Johar (Translated by NLJ MS)
Tiada salam atau
UcapanTiada pesan tanda ingatan
Suasana penuh keriangan
Ku teringat pada seseorang
oh…
Di hari yang berbahgia ini
Hatiku kosong dan sepi sekali
Betapa manis kenangi lalu
Menyambut raya bersama denganku
oh…
( korus )
Tiada bisikan lembut yang ku dengar
Hanya suara azan sayup bergema
Masih kurasakan hangat tanganmu
Di pagi raya bersalam dengan ku
.
.
Tetamu datang tetamu pergi
Namun tak tiba orang ku nanti
Hanya sepasang kurung nan biru
Menjadi teman mengubat rindu ku
oh…
( ulang korus )
No greetings nor sayings
No messages as a sign of remembrance
An atmosphere full of festivities
I am reminded of someone
.
On this joyous day
My heart feels empty and lonely
How sweet the past memories
Celebrating raya together with me
.
( chorus )
No soft whispers can I hear
Only the sounds of prayer poignantly echoing
Still I feel the warmth of your hands
On the raya morn shaking hands with me
.
Guests come and guests go
Yet to come the one I awaits
Only a pair of blue kurung
Accompanies my missing you
.
( repeat chorus )
Notes:
‘Salam’ has several meanings…one is the handshake…and one is the greeting. Also, Azan is the call for prayers.
The first week back with all its festivities, I was reduced to a frightened child. Pancaked, panicky, tongue-tied and feeling very dum at unfamiliar work! But it was also a lot of fun and I was also made to feel very welcome by a surprising no. of people.
Now that I am feeling tons better just writing, I can laugh at M calling me a “big ball of sunshine”, smile at I’s “welcome home” email, love B for being so real, enjoy all the people I’ve reconnected with..
And disclose that an intro to a high-flying peer (a year younger), that went a little drunkedly coz I was sleep-deprived, had (no fault of his) left me feeling rather useless. Guess I just feel like at my age I should be more responsible in “saving the world” (like him) and not be floundering! Yet I am fantastically proud of him :).
Sidetrack:
B says a flounder is a flat fish that swims like a stone bouncing off water, but underwater. Haha, I love silly facts like that coz I’m so visual. Lovely distraction for one who has fallen on hard times.
I haven’t quite found my feet yet. But the first week had its charms :). I like(d)..
Being allowed into real and raw feelings. They ground me.
New people. They add colour and depth.
Working as a floor to do something cross-divisional. It unites.
And maybe even new work. It stresses my parietal lobes to grow!
Needed to buy something to max out my play before heading back to work tomorrow so I got my 5th Blackberry app: Minipaint! Pretty handy since Blackberry phones don’t come with a photo editor.
It’s like having Picnik.com with me all the time. Makes phone-cam photography fun again, and I love the idea of customised wallpapers anytime creativity calls. Only wish I was better at captioning.
This past Friday I decided to walk in the rain without an umbrella and enjoyed it even when it turned into a mini-storm. I worried about being struck by lightning but reasoned that the risks were the same as if I was walking back with an umbrella overhead. It’s been a while since I last enjoyed being in a storm..
I remember loving the rain as a teenager. If we were in the middle of a Captain’s Ball game and it poured, we wouldn’t stop for the rain. It was funnier coz people would slip and fall and we would end up on the floor laughing hysterically. Lots of freedom coz there were no parents to tell us we would get sick or worry us about getting struck by lightning.
Then there was that insufferably hot night at a worship gathering in Bangkok. In the midst of it, it had started to storm. Everyone went in and the shutters went down. Everyone but Anne (An-ner in Norwegian) and me. We didn’t know each other but had independently prayed for rain and weren’t going to let it go by without enjoying it. Lots of fun coz no one saw us. Except for one little girl living down the street, whom neither of us knew. She came and joined our rain dance. Sometimes I wonder if children are able to sense what is good.. :)
It’s been 10 years since I was last out enjoying the storm.. I wonder if it’s significant.
This one has been recurring since last year.. The theme of sustainability. The very first time I heard it, it resonated with me. Ever since, it’s been recurring in messages that I hear etc.
I think why it makes sense is.. there is no point starting on something with no way or vision of sustaining it, unless it is a one time event.
Everywhere I turn – I slam, collide, gently bump my head – into someone mentioning superheros. Why, why, why, why, why?
Have been thinking about catching the “Kick-Ass” movie thanks to Jim Carrey’s tweets, which are really funny btw.
(My superpower may just be asking a trizillion questions.)
***** Updated on Wed, 21 Apr 2010 – Maybe the superhero theme recurs because I’ve been feeling that it’s time to stand up for what is right and not run away, pretend it didn’t happen, or take phone-vids (to upload on youtube) of others standing up – costing me nothing (scenarios in “Kick-Ass”.)
